Today was chemo, but my neutraphil levels are low so the plan is Neupogen shots and then chemo. I had a shot today. I will have one tomorrow and one on Monday and Katy hopes my levels are good on Tuesday so I can have chemo. That delays the bi-lateral another week. We’re slowly creeping up on not enough time for surgery and some modicum of recovery before Zack’s 8th grade graduation. Mon Dieu!

I have chemo-induced neutropenia. Neutropenia means I have abnormally low blood levels of infection-fighting neutrophils, a specific kind of white blood cell. Neutropenia increases your risk of bacterial and fungal infections.

Our crazy friend Todd said: “You are in control of your mind body and spirit and cancer can go to hell!
Be the best you can be and live knowing love is all around you……..” He’s had it rough with his mom dying hours after his grandma in 2013. Since Noel always needs MBW to speak for him, this is what she’s said: “Missy, Stay strong & know that even though we’re not in town we’re thinking about you & sending prayers & good thoughts your way.”

The Neupogen shot gave me unbelievably excruciating pain. For days my skull, spine, legs, arms, pretty much everywhere, hurt with a stabbing pain that made me cry out. Neupogen or Neulasta is designed to “squeeze” the white blood cells from our bone marrow, and this is why I am having bone pain. The skull is where the biggest source of bone marrow comes from, and is why I had excruciating skull pain.

I spoke to Becky to change my shot times, because while on Methadone I cannot drive, and Jon asked Katy to schedule my shots late in the day so he could go to work, but apparently she wasn’t paying attention because she scheduled my shots at 1300-1315 every day for two weeks. I called and tried to reschedule and they told me I had to speak to Katy, so I called Becky. She said, “I really need you to make it to your shots because you need to have chemo. Chemo is really important Michele.” I replied, “I have gone to all my appointments, I know chemo is important.” Becky countered with, “I know you know, I just worry about you.” That statement is maddening! Then she lectured me about calling someone else within Minnesota Oncology, as if it was imperative I speak with this person immediately. I have no idea how other people managed having all these cancer care people dictating their lives when they had cancer, because I’m only just shy of ten weeks since dx and I’m going crazy!

At the end of January I had a fever that fluctuated between 100.7F and 102.2F. Yesterday was Taxol and a new nurse because Bloom was out of town, Becky was off, and Katy was working at Abbott to fill in for an RN that couldn’t get to work. Chara was atrocious. I asked about the edema, aching as well as pins and needles in my handles that make it difficult to type and cook and perform a myriad of other tasks. (I’m glad to see she put her vocabulary word to use in her suicide note.) Chara told me to stop eating salt. I don’t eat any bloody salt. She said, “There are hidden places of salt. Like canned soup. Do you eat canned soup?” I said, “I don’t eat canned anything. I haven’t eaten canned anything in years. I make all my own meals. I get migraines from pre-packaged foods. She said, “Oh.” And the subject was dropped. Let it suffice it to say the visit was awful.

I interviewed a new therapist. She interrupted me. Constantly. I didn’t get what I needed from that, so I’m going back to my old therapist temporarily. I have classes scheduled at Pathways. Healing Touch. Meditation. Qigong. Tai Chi. Yoga. Pilates. The steroids in the pre-meds make me crazy so I was up until 830AM and finally fell asleep. I have made the decision to quit chemo. I’m sad. But I can’t be a sheeple. I don’t plan on dying. I have decided to pursue alternative treatments.

We’re off to Chicago if someone can watch Zack. I desperately need a break from doctors, nurses, and everything that goes along with the hell that is cancer. I swear they give you chemo not to save you but to get you so sick that you beg for death.

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